What she thought of me

I didn't even have to make any effort to push the door silently. That fool Zuzu always left it open. Still, I needed to be silent if I was to get what I came for. I crept to his bed, taking particular care not to produce any noise. I didn't look at him. I didn't come for him.

The object of my ambition laid on one of the corner of the huge bed. I granted a glance at Zuzu only to make sure he was sound asleep. I took the pearl dagger in my hand and I slowly removed the sheath, savouring the moment.

I read the inscription. Never give up without a fight… Why did Zuzu have the fitting gift? Why did I get only a stupid doll?

As I admired the reflection of the moonlight on the blade, the light shined on Zuzu's face and the skin around his eyes drew tight for a second. I froze.

He remained asleep.

I breathed in relief. I tried to bring my attention back to the blade, but it clung on Zuzu. He was sleeping, peacefully, defenceless, unprotected. I thought about our relation.

He was a tree and, at its bottom, I was a promising sprouting. Only because he was older, he towered over me, starving me from the soft rays of the sun I so rightfully deserved with his abundant branches, which he owed only to his age. And here I had finally the opportunity to cut him down.

I never could have used firebending against him, as everyone would know it was me, but if they found Zuzu's own knife plunged into his heart, he who was so clumsy as Azulon himself witnessed a few hours earlier, who could say it wasn't an accident because he played with a lethal toy in his sleep?

Nobody. And our uncle may be found at fault of sending him such a dangerous gift as well.

I raised the knife above him, ready to plunge it into his beating heart.

No.

I couldn't.

I put the knife back in its sheath.

That wouldn't change anything. The sun would always love the tree more, even reduced to a stump.

I was about to put the dagger back on the mattress when I heard steps in the hall leading to Zuzu's room. I ran behind the big urn that stood nearby.

It was mother.

I noticed she wore a long cloak. Perfect to hide oneself in the shadows. Could it be she…?

"Zuko, please, my love, listen to me," she said, seemingly torn between wanting to wake Zuzu and leave him to his peaceful sleep. Something tightened in my chest when she called him 'my love'.

She never called me that. Only 'monster', behind my back.

"Everything I've done, I've done to protect you," she continued. Would she do the same thing for me?

The tightening grew stronger, so strong that all my attention focused on it and I didn't hear mother's last words before she left, her hood hiding her face.


-


My instincts advised me to run, to run as fast as I could. But I couldn't, and needn't either. My husband, or should I say the new fire lord, had ordered all the guards away from the path I planned to use to escape the palace and disappear somewhere out of the Fire Nation.

I walked slowly, taking in all these sights of the royal gardens that I loved so much, all those wonders that I'd never see again.

I heard footsteps behind me. I didn't know what, but something forced me to turn around instead of running away.

It was Azula.

I saw her scowl, producing shadows as sharp as razors on her face in the moonlight. I also noticed something in her hands – Zuko's gift dagger. My blood became as cold as the night air and I found myself without words.

"Everything I've done, I've done to protect you," she said, acid dripping from her voice and burning my ears as she repeated my own words. "Why didn't you come to me too? Why is it always and only Zuko?" she demanded, squeezing the hilt of the sheathed dagger possessively.

I didn't find the strength to answer.

"Am I not worth protecting?" she then asked, her scowl vanishing behind a curtain of pain. I'd seen her fake expressions enough time to know it was genuine. "Am I not worth loving?" Her voice was more sigh than sound, but it was these words that echoed the loudest in my head.

My heart broke.

I fell to my knees and hugged my daughter closely, securely. I wanted to tell her she was wrong, that she was worth protecting as much as Zuko was, but I couldn't. I didn't believe it. That's why I didn't move a muscle when she unsheathed the blade and plunged it into my back, only closing my eyes as tears began to wet my eyelids.

She never struck.

She never unsheathed the knife. She just dropped the dagger in the grass and hugged me back with the strength of despair. I felt moisture on my chest. Azula never cried. Her father never made her cry. Her brother never made her cry. Her merciless training never made her cry.

The only person that ever made Azula cry was I, her mother. I felt horrible. As she cried more and more into my bosom, I felt like my entire being broke into tiny pieces that only my daughter's happiness could put back together.

I knew it would never happen.

I hugged her tighter than ever.

"What's wrong with me?" she finally said between two heart-wrenching sobs.

"Nothing," I lied.

"Am I really a monster?" Each time I thought I was completely broken, the pieces broke into sharp pieces, lacerating my conscience.

"No." I didn't know if it was a lie. Does it count when a monster calls someone else a monster? I felt like a monster.

She looked up at me and I saw empty eyes, empty save for tears. "Then why are you leaving?"

I remained silent. I knew why I was leaving. She knew why I was leaving. The only person left ignorant was the very reason of my departure.

"It's for Zuko, isn't it?" How could a voice belonging to someone usually so malicious sound so shattered?

"Yes."

I felt Sozin's sin was more forgivable than mine.

Azula wasn't used to be awake so late, and she cried herself to sleep in my arms. I couldn't leave her in the garden. I had to do at least something for her, for once. I lifted her and brought her back to her bed and kissed her forehead before leaving from her life forever.

The knife remained on the ground, forgotten.


----


I still remember that night. It is engrained into my mind for all eternity. I never showed my weakness except for that one night. To think I showed it to her. My parody of a mother.

It has plagued my dreams since then. Each morning, I wake up feeling like my heart is trying to break the bonds I've forced upon it. I know why. I know precisely why. I also know what would cause it to break free.

But I refuse to search for her.

I refuse to let anyone else see my weakness.

I'll never allow her to hurt me ever again.